Not Today...

And I wanna believe you
When you tell me that it'll be okay
Yeah I tried to believe you
But I don't...

When you say that it's gonna be
It always turns to be a different way
I tried to believe you
Not today...




I think we've all been lied to one way or another by someone we trusted.
"It's gonna be okay," always failed to materialize.
You know, it was never their intention to lie.
All they ever wanted was to temporarily soothe our fears, that no matter what happened everything was going to be okay.

And then you stood there thinking that everything would fall into place, and even if it did not...the person who promised you, would be there to catch you.
Suddenly, it didn't feel so bad.

I remember...




...when everything came crashing down.
Standing in disbelief looking at what just happened.
"It's going to be okay," was the only words I remembered from that night and clung so tightly to the words that everything was going to be okay.

But...

Things never went back to okay.
As it seemed, that was the turning point that impacted me and changed me to who I am today.
It wasn't the lie that broke me; it was the fact that I fell face down and you weren't there to catch me.

Perhaps when you trust someone with your life not to let you down, they eventually do.
I am who I am today, and yet I don't recognize this person standing in front of the mirror.
This ruthless, occasionally wild, and incredibly cold-hearted person that now stands before me.
I guess when trust is broken, you turn against the world.

This is my way of dealing with it.
Turning that very moment when I watched as you walked away into the distance into something I use as my sorry excuse to never trust again.

And right now...the only reason I've not turned into the person that I've never said I would be, is the grace of God.
I've found that the only reason to ever live is to live for the One who made you, loves you, and never fails to catch you for 561,734,154,432th time.
So God help me if I cross that thin line and lose myself totally...

Schizophrenic.

I...don't know how I feel,
Tomorrow...tomorrow...
I...don't know what to say,
Tomorrow...tomorrow...
Is a different day...