There's only one problem. My heart's been murdered and crushed beneath me.
I've got so much on my mind now, its almost crazy. Me thinks that if this were to continue, the pain would simply knock the breath out of me. Me feels like just lying on the bed, closing those eyes that have been holding back those precious tears, and just hope and pray that this is all a terrible nightmare.
This song brings about a certain sense of nostalgicness. Classic from Robbie Williams. = )
Disclaimer of opinion: Go figure! xD
Seeing a person you love walk away isn't an experience you'd cherished or want to remember for the rest of your life (though you'd remember it without your consent). It wasn't so long ago that I saw it all happen in front of my eyes. Felt like a knife being stabbed right into the back, except this time, it was in the heart. =D
A passing thought of you just went through yesterday, and I know I've missed you. It almost seem like I've never stopped thinking of you.
But... You're a happier person now. And my absence has certainly made you better. I'm not in denial, but I've come to accept it. I pray to God that you'll find the happiness that you seek.
PS: I wished I knew if I meant anything but it doesn't matter anymore. : )
Edited
I freaking wished I never read your blog.
I'm sorry.
Just...don't ask me to read your blog again.
Too much details, too much pain, and the old wounds were exposed again. But you've thought me the meaning of being hurt, and given me the belief to turn cold. I don't want to love, not now...
I failed miserably in the competition me thinks. Though we were all touted as winners already to have made it that far, but I was kicking myself mentally for being such a failure. Blanking out during a competition of such magnitude irked me, and though I told myself that it was all in His plans, reality has yet to sink in.
Everyone kinda said the same thing...
"It's okay. The experience is what's important."
I agree. The experience is invaluable. I just wished I could have done better, to my very best. Then, failure wouldn't even be the issue. I just know I could have done better. Was bitterly disappointed and depressed, but enough about that.
So let me give you the chronology of events that took place.
- Touched down in Singapore, enjoyed my flight thoroughly. Phone motherboard crashed thus rendering me almost helpless as I lost connection with the outside world. - Dan forgot to bring his WiFi card, rendering his laptop pretty much disconnected as well. - Complications with finding Dan a place to stay but thank God we managed to get him in eventually, and for free too. = ) - I messed up my impromptu speech, and I suppose the winners were deserved in the end. - Visited Vivo City and in the end, I was a victim of poor time management. Missed my check in time, and I ended up being at the airport alone for 2 hours plus buying myself another ticket which caused me a bomb.
Basically, everything that could go wrong went wrong. I forgot whose law that was, but it was so true. Was it Murphy's law? Anyway I thank God though, as it presented me with opportunities.
I've learned that...
- Never ever doubt God in the darkest moments of life. This proved to be so true once again. - Always have contingency plans, and bringing extra cash when you go overseas is a start. - God always has better plans, and trusting Him to work it all out for good is essential. - Disappointments are a part of life. Face it, deal with it, and move on.
So yeah, I've lost all my photos that I've taken, and most of my contacts. I'm hoping to salvage my memory card though. If its possible, I'll be able to get my pictures back. Its time for a new phone real soon.
But it was the experience that matters. I'll try to get other pictures from the other days from my other friends from the other countries, as well as from Dan. I'm so thankful that God brought Dan along with me, cause I couldn't have survived the ordeal if it wasn't for him.
Anyway, looking forward to a bright future.
PS: My new laptop is awesome. And me managed to do some shopping. : )
A thousand and one apologies, and twenty more if you like. I've been either too busy, or lazy (got this from Rachy's blog) or...
I'm heading off to Singapore LATER!
Current emotions? Excited, nervous, and...more anxiety.
I'll be off for 3 days at least for the Business English Competition, International Levels. Time has just flown me by and tomorrow is the BIG day. I'm not worried about anything else, just anxious.
But God is going to be with me and I know that when I reach the airport, all the nervousness will just seep out of me.
I've got my awesome friends going with me too, and a whole lot of wishes and support (including prayer support) from a whole lot of awesome group of Malaysians over here. So, need I worry anymore? =D
Anyway, doesn't hurt to be nervously excited.
I'll be keeping in touch (hopefully) and I hope I'll have good news to bring back. God is in control anyhow. = )
Till I see you guys again, keep me in prayer. Singapore, here I come!
PS: Sorry for breaking my promise about posting about the BBQ. I'll get to it the minute I come back. Been really stressed lately. Pray for me kay? = )
But I'm sorry for the lack of updates. I know I'm supposed to post up about the BBQ party at Dan's place. That will come somewhere this week, I promise. I've had deadlines for both my presentation for the Singapore competition coming up, as well as my dissertation during this week. Hence my busyness...
Till my next post, be patient. : )
The mirror does not lie.
PS: I'm finding back my footing with God. He's awesome. <33 PSS: Did you know that I miss you? : )
Took the step of deleting all memories and links, including Facebook and Blog link.
Call me drastic, but thats how I cope with hurt. Not all the time, just really exceptional moments.
I'm sorry I ever loved you. I'm sorry I even tried to care. But most of all, I'm sorry I gave you my heart.
Call me immature, call me weak, call me even pathetic but I like writing it all in words and expressing it. I don't give a *beep* if the whole world really reads this. I like being me, just me, and me alone.
Closure comes next. I will rejoice in my trials and temptations, as it represents time for growth.
As for the future, my list of priorities just took a serious plunge and change. God, family (close friends included here), career, and everything else.
To love is to expose and open up yourself to being hurt. Then again, to cry is to show that we're human.
The need to protect myself becomes ever so urgent. And I pray that trust will never become an issue for me.
Lies and make believe, that's all you ever were. : )
Just back from prayer meeting and I felt encouraged as He ministered to me. I'm glad that I went, though it was hard to put on a smile and pretend everything was alright.
I am back from college today, and to be honest I felt quite unproductive. I promised a short update on what's been going on recently, so I decided to finally push myself to update the blog.
I caught Underworld: Rise of the Lycans as well as Bride Wars recently. So I have movie reviews to complete in this post as well. So, here we go...
9th February 2009 Monday was a public holiday due to Thaipusam that fell on a Sunday. Met up with Lynn Yee for a day out to Midvalley. Lunch was rather light at Nando's, and Sushi King due to the fact we both weren't really hungry. Caught Bride Wars after lunch. Picture time...
Mushroom soup @ Nando's.
Garlic Bread combination...
Continued lunch at Sushi King.
Here we are. A decent picture of me, after many many attempts...
Came back from Midvalley, and we met with Uncle Peter for Steamboat at Taman Manjalera somewhere near Kepong and Bandar Sri Damansara. It was good as I did not have steamboat throughout the whole festive season of Chinese New Year.
Rawr!
Main Course #1. Mount Kinabalu Jr. xD
Main Course #2.
Steamboat makes Matt happy. = )
Side Dish; BBQ-ed chicken wings.
Dad and Mum.
Uncle Peter. Thank you for the scrumptious dinner.
My extremely camera shy brother. If he sees this, I'll be so dead.
All other pictures were candid except this.
Tuesday, 19th February 2009 Had futsal after class and boy was it fun. Its been a while since we played together and worked out.
Best sport in the world. = )
'Yam Cha' session post-futsal.
Say cheese...
That was what has been happening recently, at least significantly. Now for the movie reviews before ending my post.
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans.
Caught this movie with the college buddies. I did not catch Underworld 1 & 2; however I understood the movie as this was supposedly the prelude to the earlier Underworld movies released. Action movies always tend to get my bias support and this was no different. However, in all honesty it was pretty good. I enjoyed the movie and the company thoroughly.
Verdict: 7.5/10
Bride Wars.
Maybe my expectations were too high, but this movie for me was just okay. Personal opinion anyway. The jokes were a bit stale, with little humour in my opinion. Definitely a chick flick and though I normally don't have problems with chick flicks, but this one wasn't my cup of tea.
Verdict:5.5/10
So thats all for now. Await my upcoming post on the BBQ, once I've gotten the pictures from Dan. Before I leave, gonna post up 2 random pictures.
I used to follow the wind wherever it takes me, hoping for it to bring me to the right path in life. Along the way, I got thrown off my path and yet again its one of those moments. God was always there to put me back on the path, and I know this time will be no different.
Its just that this time, I face a dead end in front of me with nowhere to turn.
Decisions decisions decisions...
Perhaps its about time I choose to step back on the path I was headed. Perhaps I've hoped too much for this path to be where I'm headed and totally abandoned the 'real' path to where I'm headed.
I knew better, and yet I chose to stay. Because of you...
Got this e-mail from a friend entitled Handbook 2009. Its a simple e-mail, but worth taking time to read. Don't think I'll be doing most of the health section though. Haha! Personally, it was pretty enlightening.
PS: I did not bold the certain statements below. It was already bolded when I received the mail. But those are pretty true (and important).
Health: 1. Drink plenty of water. 2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar. 3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy. 5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. 6. Play more games. 7. Read more books than you did in 2008. 8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. 9. Sleep for 7 hours. 10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile. Personality: 11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 13. Don't over do. Keep your limits. 14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip. 16. Dream more while you are awake. 17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness. 19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others. 20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. 21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime. 23. Smile and laugh more. 24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. Society: 25. Call your family often. 26. Each day give something good to others. 27. Forgive everyone for everything. 28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6. 29. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 30. What other people think of you is none of your business. 31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. Life: 32. Do the right thing! 33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 34. GOD heals everything. 35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 37. The best is yet to come. 38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it. 39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy. Last but not the least: 40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about
So yeah, its been pretty interesting so far. Nothing's been happening much, but things are piling up as assignments and presentations are slowly reaching the deadline *hits the panic button*. I organized a BBQ recently which was supposed to go through the week after exams, but was postponed all the way to yesterday. I'm glad that everything went well, and the amount of laughter we had the whole night was crippling.
Pictures will be up once I've gotten the remaining pictures from Dan's camera. Till then, have a good week ahead. Updates will be coming up soon...
