...probably not.
Not until I've been forgiven.
Dear diary,
It's day 2 of undoubtedly one of the darkest moments in life.
I continue to struggle through every minute that passes by.
Yes, it was the right thing to do but I am so tempted to start regretting.
Perhaps my biggest regret would be the very fact that I'm to blame.
And most definitely, the very fact that I've gone against my own words.
The person that I've feared the most, that I have become.
The guilt that I'm gonna live with for God knows how long, it's already unbearable.
Just thinking about how I've caused this mess, enough to kill me.
How do you live with never wanting to hurt the person, but in the end you just do?
I wished I could apologize, to make up for it.
And how I hope for something to be done.
I don't know if saying "I'm sorry" will ever be good enough.
Looks like I'm quite an ass myself; so much for being the nice guy.
Utter bollocks!
I can't believe that I'd ever do such a thing, even if it's unintentional.
Matt's an idiot.
Yes, you heard it here.
Does that mean I'm an ass?
Yes, without a shadow of a doubt.
Does that mean that I never meant anything I've ever said or done?
Absolutely not.
I meant every word when it reciprocated through my very being.
Every word I said, every thing I did, I'd take out my heart and you'd know that it was only me.
Just plain simple Matt.
You've met me, without any masks whatsoever.
I meant everything I ever said or do.
This is me, no pretense or cover up.
Just Matt.
One thing I do know...
That if disappearing from the face of the planet would even give me the slightest bit of you considering forgiving me, then I would.
PS: I guess we all come to the conclusion that Matt's quite an ass when, he probably isn't as sweet as he wants to be, and he's definitely the biggest idiot you'd find.
4 comments:
Yes, Matt, you are an ass; a completely worthless turd; a useless bum that cannot hope make a decent living, much less save himself. :) We have to get to this point, Matthew. This is a necessary part in the life of *every* Christian. It MUST happen if we intend to go higher with Him.
Matthew 26:33-34 AMP
"Peter declared to Him, Though they all are offended and stumble and fall away because of You [and distrust and desert You], I will never do so. Jesus said to him, Solemnly I declare to you, this very night, before a single rooster crows, you will deny and disown Me three times."
Luke 22:60-62 AMP
"But Peter said, Man, I do not know what you are talking about. And instantly, while he was still speaking, the cock crowed. And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter recalled the Lord's words, how He had told him, Before the cock crows today, you will deny Me thrice. And he went out and wept bitterly [that is, with painfully moving grief]."
Thank God for these dark hours, Matthew, these fires of sorrow. It's through these that all the pretense and selfishness are burnt out of you--but ONLY if you keep looking at the face of God.
Here's a pretty good devotional that I'd like you to read:
http://www.myutmost.org/06/0625.html
I know.
It's supposed to make me a better person yes?
I need to see it like that.
But it's just tough when you're hurting so much.
Sigh...
But thanks for the encouragement anyway Josh.
Appreciate it loads.
Hey, my man, it's supposed to hurt. Fire burns. :) I'm not making light of your situation, just being real with you. I went through it, and I sure didn't want anyone to help me out--not even my own dad who has, arguably, been the closest friend I've ever, and still, have. We (at least, I did) get helpless when our world starts falling in on us. :)
1 Thessalonians 5:24 AMP
"Faithful is He Who is calling you [to Himself] and utterly trustworthy, and He will also do it [fulfill His call by hallowing and keeping you]."
Keep strong in His strength, brother (Philippians 4:13). :) And remember, you're still loved, even if you hate yourself. :)
Yesh, indeed.
Refining fire of God yes?
It's an everyday process as God continues to mold us to become more like Him.
Totally understand.
And thank you so much for the encouragement.
It means a lot.
PS: Do drop me a private msg on plurk. I'll need your messenger contact. Haha!
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